1. It's okay to
go back on sound parental policy if it makes your ex-spouse look
bad.
2. Young girls who get knocked up by drug addicts without high school
diplomas should marry their baby daddy before he goes to prison, so
that he'll feel better about being there.
4. Throughout
their careers, cops and detectives take prolonged sabbaticals due to
a range of issues such as anger management, boredom, being a
suspected serial killer, and going into the business of owning bars
that give excellent health insurance to their waitresses. It's not
as if cops are unable to come and go as they please from the force -
law enforcement is a revolving door.
5. An invalid can
shower, dress, and teletransport herself from one mansion to another
in less than two minutes.
7. If it looks
retarded, sounds retarded, acts retarded, and IS retarded, it's
probably just a leading romantic male character.
8. One should
always record conversations with their love interest, just in
case.
9. Stripper-whores can run ballet class for little girls in night clubs
where booze is served, unsupervised and without liability insurance,
with less than 24 hours during which to advertise - and a dozen
little ballerinas will show up sans parents.
10. If you want
to be romantically involved with someone, it's a good idea to
alienate and infuriate them as much as possible, especially in the
presence of their ex-spouse.
11. Blackmailers
are lovable as soon as they stop blackmailing you.
13. If you take
the fake purple streak out of your hair and replace your mini skirt
with a church dress, people who have known you for years will be
tricked into thinking you're conservative.
14. If you piss
off your daughter really badly, just let her throw you into the pool
and she will simmer down right away.
15. Being out of
work lasts for a day or two at the most...
16.... But
having a job is so not important anyway. Just own a business from
afar and you'll never have to work a day in your life - but you
will be a millionaire regardless.
17. Gay people in
their late 20's/early 30's tend to have heterosexual one night
stands (often with strippers 'cuz that's how they roll) and also
spend time and money courting their opposite sex roommates.
18. Gay marriage
might not be legal, but underage marriage for straight tween
morons
is. That makes sense.
19. When screwing
strippers, it's best not to use a condom.
20. Once your
estranged child forgives you and accepts you again, it's best not to
rock the boat with honesty or wisdom. It's better to just go along
with whatever the child wants so that you can still be "cool" in
their eyes.
Monday, 6/22:
"PRISONERS OF LOVE"
- Cole: "Will
you marry me?" Todd: "That's a joke, right?" Oh God, how I wish.
This entire week revolved around Cole and Starr trying to get
permission to marry and I must say, it was disgusting on every
level. Starr and Cole have been turned into the biggest morons ever
on a soap! Starr is a 17-year old girl with no aspirations to go to
college or have a career, solely because she got knocked up and
idolizes her baby daddy despite his utter indifference toward her
for the past year. That is just sad. And now she is ready to marry
Cole, who may be getting over his drug addiction but who is
otherwise about as mature as a tadpole and has no means or ability
to be a parent or husband. Note to writers: Starr and
Cole
aren't even DATING! They aren't even a COUPLE! Yet suddenly,
they are going to get married because Cole has to go to prison?
I mean, is this supposed to make sense? The only way it makes sense
is if Starr is a complete dumb ass. And as of now, that's exactly
what she is. I have lost all respect for Starr, which might be the
single most damning evidence against Ron Carlivati or whomever is
supposedly running this creative ship. Whomever that person(s) is,
they do not give a damn about the legacy or consistency of these
characters, and are beginning to irreversibly damage many of
Llanview's population. I thought Rex was the most damaged character
during Carlivati's term, but now it's becoming clear that Starr may
be headed for an even harder fall. She might as well get her shoes
off because if TPTB have their way, she'll be barefoot in the
kitchen for the next 50 years, blindly doing whatever men tell her
to do because she "loves them." Barf. Just... barf.
- The writers are
fools for not stealing my idea to have Blair and Tea fake a lesbian
romance to get back at Todd, and turn it slowly into a real
triangle. Because the current Blair/Tea bitchery over Todd is SO
not working. It is truly demeaning for women in their forties to
act like Jerry Springer guests arguing over a serial rapist and
murderer who has abused them severely, when they are supposed to be
successful, beautiful women. Where is the story here? I don't know
about you, but I believe Blair completely when she says she does not
want Todd. That's how Kassie DePaivia plays it, and it's
believable. But apparently, the writers either don't believe her or
just don't know what else to write. As a result of this limbo Blair
is stuck in, Tea is starting to lose her personality traits and
consistency. She's being molded into this bizarre and unnecessary
triangle with Todd and Blair, where there simply isn't a story. You
know someone is not doing their job when entire scenes with Kassie
DePaivia, Florencia Lozano, and Trevor St. John are BORING.
- Todd and Blair
are the worst parents of all time for letting their ego trips with
one another allow them to give permission to Cole and Starr to get
married when they are both firmly against it and completely right in
being so.
- It's so
terribly painful to watch Rex. He is utterly destroyed. Shame on
Ron Carlivati and Frank Valentini for destroying John-Paul
Lavoisier's work. If I were he, I'd leave the show. Lavoisier can
make it on prime-time, I believe. Note to JPL: The show does not
take you seriously and you deserve to be respected because your
talent is true and unique and you deserve FAR better than this.
Leave the show.
- Case in point: Why the hell would Rex go through the debacle at the Country Club
when he would have no problem joining it if he wanted to? I mean,
the man can get his hands on 20K in cash in less than 24 hours. Surely he can afford to go to a country club especially since his
best friend is freaking Bo Buchanan. Hello, discount!
- I knew right
away that Todd was faking being okay with Starr marrying Cole just
to put Blair in "bad cop" position. But come on, Todd is not that
stupid! He knows Blair IS stupid sometimes and could screw this
up. Todd is way too shrewd to leave this up to Blair. I detested
the writing on this. Again, characters we know very well are being
written to suit imbecilic plot points. I thought we got rid of Dena Higley a long time ago? Is she ghost writing this?
Tuesday, 6/23:
"GOOD GIRLS GO TO HEAVEN (BAD GIRLS GO EVERYWHERE)"
- Schuyler...
has... no... life. Yawn.
-
And what fool decided a bunch of Kyle/Schuyler scenes AT THE GYM
(ugh) would be a good thing to throw in? Must I remind everyone
that scenes should never EVER take place at that stupid gym? They
are never, ever good.
- As silly as the
writing was, Robin Strasser and Brittany Underwood were delightful
while Dorian and Langston played "good girls" to get on the good
side of Markko's mother.
- The actress
playing Destiny was reading cue cards today. Sigh.
- NOTE TO TPTB:
PLEASE DO NOT TURN LAYLA INTO A COP!!! That is the kiss of death to
any female on this show. Layla is working well right now. Please
do not put her in one of those awful uniforms and make her ask John McBain a bunch of stupid questions about lame cases. Just PLEASE
keep her away from that police station!!!
- Okay, the
writing got better as the Dorian/Langston/Aurellia scenes
progressed. Interesting dynamic explored here between religious
people and secular people. You don't see that every day on soap
operas. And thankfully, the actress playing Aurellia is very good
indeed and made the hokiness of the situational writing ("let's use
different outfits to trick Markko's mom into liking us!") more
palatable.
Wednesday,
6/24: "DANCE, LITTLE SISTER, DANCE"
- I love how
Dorian instantly blamed Viki for Markko hearing about all of the
terrible things she did in recent years (which were all truths).
-
And in her apology to Markko, Dorian managed to subtly turn things
around and imply that all of this mess was created primarily because
Markko is not as close to his parents as Dorian is to Langston. Ha.
- But this idea that Dorian would invite Viki and Charlie and
Moe and Noelle and all of the people she's offended over to dinner
in front of Mr. and Mrs. Rivera is just SO false. Dorian would
simply never do this. Dorian would not deign to invite Viki over
unless she intended to humiliate her or devastate her in some way. She would NEVER rely on Viki and Charlie to vouch for her or forgive
her on the spot! This is absurd writing!
Thursday,
6/25: "CONSENTING ADULTS"
- The scenes
where Blair rejected Starr's pleads for marital permission were so
good. Blair made perfect sense. But as we know, as soon as Todd
popped in, she went back completely on her solid advice and agreed
to let Starr marry Cole KNOWING it is wrong, JUST TO SPITE TODD.
Blair should have her custodial rights to her kids taken away. So
should Todd. They are just awful, awful parents!
- Cole says
seeing a ring on his finger is what will get him through prison. Marty points out to her woefully stupid offspring that jewelry is
not allowed in prison (gee, does Cole know ANYTHING about prison?). Cole responds by saying that just "knowing she's out there, waiting
for him" is what will really get him through prison. Okay, so Cole
wants Starr to marry him (even though she could cheat on him or
divorce him while he's in jail) so that she will WAIT for two years
for him to get out of prison, at which point he will be a completely
different person and may not be capable of loving her in the way he
thinks he does now. In other words, he wants Starr to sacrifice her
entire life for him when he can't even promise that he can be a good
husband or father. He can't even promise that he'll make it out
alive. Yet Starr must put on her chastity belt, get barefoot in the
kitchen, and wait around while Cole plays Oz with whomever chooses
him to be their prison bitch? Sorry to be crass, but am I really
supposed to be rooting for these twerps? And if so, couldn't the
writers come up with anything better than this garbage to get me
behind them? This is a couple that was working fine for a long
time, and now they are worse than Rex and Stacy.
- Gigi is only
telling Rex the truth because Natalie is forcing her to. Therefore,
I really have no sympathy for her. She could have told Rex the
truth in the first place, but she obviously doesn't trust him and so
they clearly do not belong together anyway.
- Marty asks Cole
if Starr is going to college next year. Cole's response: "I
guess." Oh my God. Seriously? Cole has no idea if Starr is going
to college, and he is MARRYING her within days? Every episode that
goes by, the writers find new ways to make me hate Cole and Starr.
Is this on purpose? If it's not, then I have to say the writing is
getting to be worse than when Dena Higley was around. I am
disgusted.
- I think
Schuyler and Rex will be revealed to be brothers, possibly twins. I'd rather see Schuyler as Todd and Tea's son, but there are such
striking similarities with JPL and Scott Clifton's mannerisms and
acting styles that I just think that's
the direction the writers
will go.
- Starr: "I know
what I want." Blair: "Like you knew what you wanted when you gave
up your baby for adoption?" THANK YOU, Blair. Too bad you drop
your brain on the floor the second Todd walks in.
- I LOVED that
Tea taped Todd's admission of never allowing Cole to marry Starr. But the way she used it immediately, and in front of Blair and the
kids, was so lame. She should have held on to that tape or used to
privately to get Todd to do her bidding. Playing it in front of
Blair and Starr smacked of pathetic desperation and low
self-esteem. I fear Tea is about to be utterly ruined as Rex and
Starr have been.
- Why is Stacy
calling her quickie with Rex "making love?" That is so irksome.
That is called "screwing," Stacy. You should know.
Friday, 6/26:
"THICKER THAN BLOOD"
- Marty is the
ONLY person being realistic about Cole going to prison. She might
as well just come out and say, "My son is about to be raped a
million times." Finally the show is not making prison seem like a
romantic wedding getaway.
- I've mentioned
it already, but I can't express enough how Blair's going back on her
VERY admirable "no" to Starr made me lose all respect for her, which
isn't good because after the Higley years it took a lot of repairing
before I ever had an iota of respect for Blair restored.
- Why hasn't Gigi
followed up with the original donor who was pregnant? Has she had
her baby yet?
- How can Todd
let Starr emotionally blackmail him into letting her get married?
Of all the things Starr has ever attempted to do, trying to marry
Cole is by far the dumbest. Todd and Blair should be putting
their feet down and locking Starr in her bedroom if need be. Er, or lock
her in the nursery I should say.
- Just being old
enough to have sex does (i.e. physically mature which can be as
early as 13!) NOT mean you are ready to be a parent. Just sayin'.
- Gigi to Rex: "I knew you would never do that to me just like I would never do
that to you." Uh, Gigi? Rex has a penis. I think you are
forgetting the difference here.
- A ha! Roxy's
got the bag of blood. Zzzzzz. Well, at least Roxy is on.
**MAIL
REPORT**
"First off I have to say I love reading your columns every week. I
agree with you on the majority of the stuff you write. I have to
agree with this weeks too. Starr Manning has always been one of my
favorite characters and I still enjoy watching her to a certain
extent. I hate to say it but I have to agree that the writers have
changed her character so much. She's not the same edgy, spunky girl
who wouldn't let anyone stand in her way and did whatever she
wanted. I miss that girl she used to be. Now she is just one
dimensional. It's nothing against Kristen at all because she does a
great job with what she is given. I also agree on the fact that what
more can they do with her. The writers need to give Starr her
backbone back!" - Marissa
Thanks so much,
Marissa! I completely agree. I have been thinking even more about
Starr this week, and how disappointed I am with the character she is
now as opposed to the character she was five years ago. Whoever
decided to turn her into a saintly martyr was clearly changing the
core of who Starr was supposed to be and who she was for so many
years. Not only are her storyline options less than zero, but she
no longer garners enough interest for a good storyline. The writers
have destroyed her.
"I agree with you
completely about Starr. Boo to TPTB, I'm severely disappointed...Just like you pointed out perfectly, Starr had all the makings of
evolving into a conflicted, rebellious young woman who we still
rooted for. Instead, she's boring now - good ol' Starr had to grow
up too fast...It makes me really uncomfortable as well to watch
those scenes with Hope. I'm going to feel that even more when she
actually marries Cole. I don't understand how we're supposed to
feel about this storyline - this doesn't seem like Daytime TV, does
it? Starr should be angry; she should be reeling from having to
give her up baby. Now Cole has to go to prison, and she has to live
with her father and be exposed to her parents' dysfunctional
relationship every day. Her potential is wasted, just like you said.
She should be wake up realizing how much time she's been wasting
over the past year whining and realize she's tired of being a victim
of all her circumstances. It's so frustrating! The only way this
storyline could be turned around if it hits Starr about her wasted
youth, she's not waiting for Cole anymore, and she didn't realize
what being a mother would truly be like..." - Rebecca
I'm so very
disappointed in Starr and the writers, as well. It's astounding
that Starr had no negative reaction whatsoever about her baby being
STOLEN and ENDANGERED for the first year of her life! This new,
ultra-square Starr has almost none of her parents' qualities
anymore. She is a flat-out goody two-shoes and that makes her two
things: A pod version of herself, and boring. Wake up, writers -
you have turned the character who is supposed to carry the show for
the next few decades into a complete DUD.
"Brandon Buddy is
not the first actor/actress to look at the teleprompter. His scenes
with the drug involvement and the detox were absolutely on the
money. I am definitely a SOLE watcher and will continue to be." -
Nancy in Ohio
I agree that
Buddy has had his moments. Heck, he's made me cry before! I've
heaped praises upon that young man and gotten enough crap for it to
fill up several sewage systems. But I think his talent is what
makes his poor performances so very painful. I've seen Buddy's
strength, which clearly is emotional depth. That's his strength.
But it seems to me that if his storyline is not culminating in some
dramatic fashion (detoxing, finding out Marty was dead, finding out
she was alive, etc.), he is not connected to the material. He
stumbles over his lines and lately I've noticed he looks at the
teleprompter often. That means he is not doing his homework
adequately. It speaks to either laziness or a learning problem. Either way, it's not good. I am still rooting for him, but since he
is sometimes really good, to me that implies he is slacking off the
rest of the time. It's frustrating to watch.
"The scenes of
Jessica/Natalie talking about how BAD they feel about what they did
to Marcie... MARCIE!? Natalie went to M&Ms and CONFESSED &
APOLOGIZED for what she and Jared did but NOT A WORD about the pain
they caused Starr, Cole and their families?" - Sheree
Tell me about
it. The writing right now is just awful and there is no
continuity. OLTL is dark all this week because they are "ahead of
schedule." Well, I sure hope they are using their week off to find
their brains and remember who these characters are!
"I just had a
horrible thought... Are they going to have Dorian move to LA with
Langston so that she and Markko can be together while he goes to
UCLA? Perhaps David is coming back just to get her and take them
both back to LA? I heard Robin's outgoing hotwire message says that
she has an even more public drunken outburst in front of the whole
town. This is so unlike the character, to whom appearances mean
everything. It's like they want to alienate the character from
everyone in town and perhaps make Robin want to quit so they won't
look bad when they don't renew her contract. This show cannot
afford to lose Dorian, Langston and Markko. I hope that I'm wrong."
- Marilyn
You better be
wrong! I will not watch the show without Robin Strasser. And as
much as I loved her drunk scenes last week, you are so right that it
is OUT of character for Dorian to start drinking. She has never
been one to drink, and she absolutely is all about appearances. Her
drinking is entertaining but if it does reappear that is of concern
for Dorian fans. Marilyn's email frightened me, folks. Keep
writing TPTB about Robin Strasser and Dorian Lord.
"Thanks, so much,
for addressing the issue of talent in your column this week. Your
insight is an aspect that I had never considered, although it sure
didn't make me feel any better to have my suspicion reaffirmed that
talent is not a valued commodity with the network, or whomever! Seems like the formula for success in soaps (and I'm generalizing, I
realize) is for actors to learn their lines, don't make any waves,
play nice, and acquit themselves reasonably well in the acting
department. Well, makes sense, but it sure has made for a whole
heap of mediocrity in soapland in recent years, from my viewer's
standpoint. I guess I'll take a 60-year-old diva like Robin Stasser any day (And I use "diva" in the most complimentary way
possible)! At least she doesn't bore me into an utter state of
INDIFFERENCE!" - Marcy
Television
programs are businesses that answer to networks, which are
corporations... and most corporations are - for lack of a better
word - evil. That is, they do not inherently care about people but
rather, about making profits. There is an amazing (and shocking)
documentary out there called The Corporation and if you haven't seen
it, I HIGHLY recommend it. I think the way the soaps are run these
days can be linked to Disney directly. Disney is not as "evil" as
some corporations, to be sure - but it is very much a corporation.
Even so, acting is a business and the actors employed on the show
are held to many standards other than talent. Obviously, if talent
were the most important thing, Robin Strasser and Erika Slezak and
Trevor St. John would be on the show every day and everything would
revolve around their characters and they would constantly have the
most amazing storylines available. Talent would be rewarded. And
frankly, I am all for that. But we only see the finished product.
What are the work ethics of these actors? Who is charismatic and
well-liked? Who annoys the directors? Who is under the most
pressure? Who knows their lines? It's easy for us to judge only
based on talent because we only have to watch the show - we don't
have to work with these people.
But... at the
end of the day, even knowing that, I am still 100% behind my
statement that soap actors are not held to a high enough standard in
terms of training and skill. You have people like Strasser who is
probably one of the greatest living actors in ANY genre, and then
you have certain others who are at times painful to watch (they just
don't have "it") getting huge storylines and appearing 4 times a
week. It pays to be a team player and a good little soldier. If
someone like Strasser is difficult or outspoken, I certainly think
her needs should be respected and met. She IS special and HAS
deserved her due. But corporations such as Disney/ABC do not care
(gosh, look what they did to Anna Lee on GH those years ago, which
killed her) about aging veterans. They care about product, and they
see "product" as hot, young, fresh, and sexy. Because TPTB think in
corporate terms, they cannot possibly write and produce a soap opera
correctly that will satisfy the fans. They are writing a corporate
soap, and that really should be an oxymoron. In effect, the actors
on the Disney soaps are working for Corporate America, which
represents the opposite of artistic freedom and expression. Depressing, isn't it?
That's it for
this week. Please send your OLTL thoughts, complaints,
suggestions, and desperate pleas to:
Robert Iger, President of Disney (ABC Parent Company)
robert.a.iger@disney.com
Anne Sweeney, President of ABC
anne.x.sweeney@abc.com
Brian
FronsPresident of ABC Daytime
brian.frons@abc.com
Thats it for this week. Thanks for reading', and dont forget to e-mail me.
3. It's good to
have a cop as a boyfriend, even if he's still married to your son's
girlfriend's mother. He can get your son out of a jail term while
negotiating his contract. 
6. Once a bad
parent, always a bad parent.
12. First comes
love, then comes baby, then comes marriage, then comes high school
diploma. Yikes. 