My nerves are shot after a week of watching a show which featured lobotomized zombies and spoiled, needy brats How the writers failed to write the John/Blair story.

How many more women are going to tussle over this utterly emotionless, uncaring bastard? John McBain, as traditionally played by the stoic (if not downright ambivalent) Michael Easton, goes through women like tissues. Then he runs off to play hero some more (or awkwardly read poetry to Cole in hopes that he'll grow up to be one of his man friends) before returning to the Kleenex (lady) to see if it's still breathing.  He poses as Blair's husband, poses as Cole's father figure, poses as the default hero of Llanview; John also poses as a human being because if there are people as robotic and lifeless as him in the real world, I sure haven't met them.  Annoying factor:  9.  Most annoying qualities:  Indifference, coldness, aloofness.  One sentence summary:  "Uh... I guess I'll be with you now, Marty.  You look real pretty.  Just let me tell Blair first, cuz like, we're married or whatever." 
 

THE SELF-PITYING MAN-CHILD, Cole Thornhart

Lord knows I've had my ups and downs with this fool. I WANT to like him, I really do. But let's face facts: Cole has the intelligence of a tadpole and the depth of wading pool. He's drawn me in at times of great emotional upheaval, when Brandon Buddy brings that extra something that is usually missing in his work - and that is, artistry. I'm sorry, but lately Buddy has been walking through the role as if he's had one too many bong hits in the basement and forgot to memorize his scripts. It is painful to behold - especially because he's been so great at times in the past! It is so damn frustrating to watch someone lose what they seemed to be obtaining. And likewise, Cole has lost all of my sympathy. I just don't care anymore about his internal "struggles," because I finally have to admit that Cole is dumb. And I certainly don't think he should be allowed anywhere near a child. He is nothing more than an overblown child himself! This one-man pity party is going to have to go on without me.  Annoying factor: 8. Most annoying qualities: Stupidity, immaturity, self-pity.  One sentence summary: "I just want, like, uh... my baby, you know? I want to rise from the tumble and mumble out some lines about how my life sucks and stuff. Where is my mom? I'm totally gritting my jaw." 

THE PRINCESS OF WHINING, Starr Manning

I'll always love Starr and Kristen Alderson no matter what, but man has she been testing that love lately. I have never heard someone whine so much in my life. I wish Blair would have taken her by the shoulders, shook her and said, "Keep your damn baby!" Instead, Starr was too whiney and iffy and made everything all the more complicated - of COURSE complaining about it and feeling sorry for herself the entire time. But what I find most annoying about Starr, is that she is still in love with Cole! What has Cole done to earn her love or impress her in any way? I know love can be blind but can it also be retarded? Cole has turned out to be such a loser, and it's not like he's romancing her in any way or showing her that he cares. Yet Starr can't seem to help but blatantly romanticize him in a rather infantile manner. This is a boy she had sex with once, who did not wear a condom, impregnated her, then dumped her when she decided to give the baby up for adoption. He then did drugs for many months while ignoring her, and she definitely wanted to have sex with her teacher though she's never seemed to want to have sex with Cole.  Annoying factor: 5.  Most annoying qualities: Self-pity, whininess, bad taste. One sentence summary:  "Oh my God, Langston, it's just like this feeling I have like, it's so REAL now, you know, like that's my BABY and Mrs. McBain totally is going to raise her and be a great mother but it's just so REAL now!"

THE DEMON SEED, Shane Morasco

Have you ever wanted to smack a child in the face this badly? I haven't. Shane definitely takes after his Aunt Stacy in that he walks through life passing judgment and venting angst in every direction with the attitude that he should be appeased at all costs. I know he's a kid, but something about him is rubbing me the wrong way and I just wish he and Aunt Stacy would get in a boating accident - stat.  Annoying factor: 7. Most annoying qualities:  Self-entitlement, disrespect of elders, rage.  One sentence summary:  "I HATE YOU MOM, YOU SLUT!"

THE AW-SHUCKSTER, Brody Lovett

Aw, shucks! Isn't that Brody a stand-up guy? Granted, he's a true hero - unlike John McPoser. But once he got over that whole "Hallucinating dead kids that I shot" phase, he turned into the most flawless, syrupy do-gooder this side of Beaver Cleaver. Nothing this wholesome can entertain me, I'm sorry to report. I don't care how many times they make Mark Lawson take his clothes off - it doesn't make Brody interesting. I thought this character had a lot of potential at first, but now I see he's just a stand-in for Generic Romantic Lead. Aw, Shucks!  Annoying factor:  4.  Most annoying qualities:  Dullness, Flawlessness, Single-mindedness.  One sentence summary:  "You can split into as many alter personalities as you like, baby, but I'm not going anywhere - I'm right here beside you.  I love you... and you and you and you and you." 

THE MUSHY MARTYR, Natalie Banks

I'm a big Natalie fan overall, but if there's one thing I hate it's a mushy, whiny Nat. Natalie is only good as a bitch with a heart of gold; an iron-willed Buchanan who will get her way at any cost and tell a few chicks off along the way. When Natalie gets to feeling sorry for herself, it ain't pretty. There's fake tears, there's breast-heaving, there's quivering lips, and there's a basic confusion as to who this person really is. A few months ago, she was telling Jessica that the children were actually NOT HERS, in effect threatening to steal her own nieces away; and now she's been reduced to a heaping mess of contrition. Her insistence on confessing all to Marcie and Michael and begging their forgiveness, was a bitter pill to swallow after months of paralyzing indecision and flip-flopping by her and Jared. What happened to Natalie taking Jessica's kids away, and THEN discovering the baby switch secret, and THEN keeping the secret for her own sake? That was the story that needed to be told. Instead, Natalie's just a foot note in Jessica's story and a sad one at that.  Annoying factor:  4.  One sentence summary:  "Just please know that (sniffle, sniffle) Jared and I - we never meant to hurt anyone (sniffle)."

THE MOSQUITOES, Moe and Noelle

They have no purpose. They have no place. They do not entertain. Moe wears ridiculous costumes and towers over the sets, whining about his job - which apparently is playing manservant in a house that he owns (hello, writers, please resolve this La Boulaie catastrophe already!) while annoying the Cramer clan and audiences alike. But he can't hold a candle to that Queen Mosquito of the West Nile herself, Ms. Noelle Honey tooth or whatever her bumpkin' ass name is.  It's as though before every time the camera rolls, the director calls out to the actress, "Don't forget to be as annoying as you possibly can with that awful voice of yours!" And the lines she is forced to whinny are generic utterances which could grate even a Buddhist monk's nerves to the very core. She is one of the most unabashedly stupid characters to ever appear on television. Look, if you're going to be of low intelligence, then you have to be played by a genius actor like Ilene Kristen who can turn ditziness and a low-brow upbringing into comedic masterwork. Not so here; Noelle is the soap opera equivalent of nails on a chalkboard.  Annoying Factor:  10.  One sentence summaries... Moe:  "Nothin' quite like a bouillabaisse to cure a broken heart - shoot, where is Jack?  He gone missing again!"  Noelle: "AAAWWW, hornie, do you really think I look purty in this fancy ol' thang from Durian's closets?" Moe: "Noelle, darlin', I'll always come and eat your pie." Noelle: "Why, Maurice Stoobs, I know you do really like my pecan pie!"

THE QUIRKY McQUIRKSTERS, Rex and Schuyler

Hmmm, how to make this awful writing come to life? I know! Act really quirky!  Have eye spasms! Stutter a lot! Look really puzzled and confused as you speak, as though you are figuring out what to say just at the right moment, because you are so smart and quirky!  Look at Gigi as if she is Sherlock Holmes and you are having mini-explosions inside your face because you are totally figuring out what happened to Stacy's bag of blood. Or bug your eyes out at Stacy's boobs in a way that lets us know you are really quirky and your brain is on overdrive at all times - don't forget to snap your fingers or clap before doing a 180-degree spin on one heel as your electric impulses shift your weight in a new direction right along with your fantastic brainwaves. Rex and Schuyler are two peas in a pod. And by 'pod' I mean like a space pod for aliens. I like them and all, but the overcompensation of quirkiness is not making the writing seem better - it actually makes it seem worse because the characters appear even less relatable than two 'normal' guys romantically involved with the Morasco sisters.  Schuyler in particular is starting to seem like a genuine freak (who has no job) while Rex has obviously been turned into an ignoramus (who is perhaps trying too hard to keep his "edge" through his dumbing-down). Of course by 'edge' I mean spastic facial contortions.  I feel bad for these boys because their storylines are the pits, but they are in fact getting on my nerves.  Annoying factor:  7. One sentence summaries: Unnecessary - just take any sentence and recite it while rolling your eyes into the back of your head and opening your mouth really wide and forcing your ears to twitch, possibly while semi-nude with a towel wrapped around your fatless torso. 

THE FAKE FIANCÉ, Nora Hannon Gannon Buchanan Coulson

Nora has had some pretty disastrous marriages. That's true for most soap characters, but I think Nora's one of the worst. She had it great with Bo, but blew it big time when she asked Sam to give her a sperm donation - the old-fashioned way. But her most recent marriage, to Daniel Coulson, was the biggest mistake of her life. And you know why?  It's not that Daniel turned out to be gay. And it's not that he turned out to be a serial killer, either!  It's actually that Nora married a man she didn't know very well, hadn't dated for very long, and wasn't in love with! That's just stupid. But it's even more stupid that Nora is repeating that same mistake again with Clint! I don't care what her feelings for Bo may or may not be. She is NOT in love with Clint, and she does not want to marry him. So why the hell did she say YES? It makes no sense.  I've been more appreciative of Nora in the past year or so.  She's actually been the least annoying she's ever been on the show! But saying 'yes' to Clint was such a huge and callous mistake which will no doubt hurt Clint much worse than had she said 'no' to marriage but 'yes' to open communication and honesty.  I expected more from Nora. She has not learned from her mistakes, and that's annoying for a supposedly smart and successful woman. Annoying factor:  3.  Most annoying qualities:  Stubbornness, cowardice.  One sentence summary:  "Set a date?  Set a date?  Well, I don't know, I think I have court cases coming up for the next five months so maybe something in the dead of winter?"   

Monday, 6/8:  "BABY MINE"

-  I think it's a bit odd that Viki is so gung-ho about Brody without knowing him at all. You know, since he shot Rex and all. Although right now I would like to shoot Rex myself. 

-  It must be annoying for Nora to have her own daughter psychoanalyzing her, 24/7. Then again, Rachel has nothing else to do until her obligatory African American love interest arrives in town. Seriously - Rachel has no life. 

-  The Charlie/Viki engagement scenes were wonderful and touching. No surprise there.

-  Brody's teary-eyed confession of love to Jessica was kind of cheesy for me, but one thing you can say about today's episode is that it is centered around actual love and relationships rather than lies and manipulations - and that's rare on daytime these days.

-  Is it just me or are Nora and Clint suddenly coming off as slimy and creepy together?  Their relationship is bogus. 

-  I think Brody is Jared's younger brother that everyone thinks is dead.  I really do.

-  How did Marcie get a locket of Hope's hair to give Starr?  When did she cut that hair off?

Tuesday, 6/9:  "TOP CHEF"

-  Praise Jesus for Farah Fath's hair being pulled back! More, please.

-  Moe and Noelle's presence makes the show almost unbearable to watch.

-  I don't buy for one second that Stacy can cook. Sorry.

-  Shane sure does go on a lot of sleepovers, doesn't he?  Every time Gigi has company, they ask where Shane is and she says he's at a sleepover!

-  I loved how Blair and Todd were being so nice to each other then completely flipped out bickering five minutes later. I always like them together in scenes - but the thought of them together romantically makes me want to puke.

-  Why is Robin Strasser being forced into scenes with Moe and Noelle? It's such a waste of her talent and time!

-  I admire Marty's "balls" in her honesty and aggressiveness with John. But seriously...how dare John reply to her declaration with, "I don't know what to say." This is his de facto response for EVERYTHING in life!  It is so freaking boring. John needs to go to the Tool Academy!!!

 

Wednesday, 6/10:  "CHANGE PARTNERS AND DANCE"

-  Uh... Shane's hair grew back way too fast.  So did his 'tude!  

-  Wow.  John dumped Blair five minutes after Marty told him she wants him.  And he did it with absolutely no feeling. Like a robot. 

-  Shane and Jack should become besties because they are both little demons.

-  EXCUSE ME, Stacy (and writers)! If Stacy didn't think that Rex "even noticed" her in high school, then why the hell does she believe Gigi "stole him" from her? This makes no sense.

-  It boiled my blood that John claimed Todd is as much a factor in this break up as Marty is! How absurd!!! Todd and Blair haven't been rolling around on beds making out together or telling each other they want to be together! There is no comparison. Of course Blair goes along with this because she has no idea that John and Marty are already cheating. This might be John's biggest asshole moment of all time. 

-  Todd/Tea are still amazing in every scene together. 

-  Cole/Marty are still boring me to tears in every one of their mother/son scenes.

-  The send-off of Ray was a total bust. It actually made me hate Ray, because his logic for leaving town was ridiculous. St. Anne's has handled Addie, Lindsay, Viki, Jessica, and even Allison Perkins. Yet it can't handle Lola? Give me a break. 

-  Does Lola not have to answer to the law for killing her mother?

-  Even though I thought the John/Blair break up was awful, Kassie DePaivia really rocked it. She invested so much and was so vulnerable. Still, I miss the old Blair who would have slapped the sh*t out of John's face.

-  Oh, PUH-LEASE! Not only can Stacy cook a mean chicken parmesan, but she is also a qualified dance instructor? The writers are trying oh-so-hard to make us think she is human, aren't they? Sorry, but Stacy is just a plastic whore on the outside and empty space on the inside. Nice try though.

-  Stacy goes straight to bed with full make up on?  Yikes.

-  Robin Strasser is a genius. After Ray left, Dorian walked into the living room of La Boulaie, seemingly calm, and adjusted one of the pillows on the couch on her way to the patio. It was the slightest gesture that spoke volumes about who Dorian is and how her brain works. She was seeking immediate control exteriorly to compensate for the lack of control she was feeling emotionally.  Then, she blew up and threw that table over. It was just perfect. But where is that fire in Blair? Dorian hasn't lost it, but Blair has. 

Thursday, 6/11:  "PROMISES TO KEEP"

-  How can Stacy retrieve Rex's cell phone messages? Doesn't she need a code for that?  Oye.

-  No!!! Gigi's bangs are back!!! What happened???

-  The Brody/Gigi scenes are so terrible! But it's not Gigi who's bothering me today - it's Brody. It seems like Mark Lawson is suffering from the Brandon Buddy Inconsistency Syndrome. Many of his lines come out sounding robotic, as if he is trying to remember what they are. Of course, it would help if he didn't have to recite absurdly written lines about how Stacy withheld her stem cells until Gigi dumped Rex, blah blah blah....

-  The Jessica/Natalie scenes were pretty awesome today.

-  Why does Brandon Buddy keep looking off to the side during his scenes? I am seriously starting to think that he is reading off of cue cards! 

-  I love how Markko can have his friends over into the diner's kitchen, and they can just sit on the counters where food is prepared. This would NEVER be allowed, and Markko would not be the only person in that kitchen! Who is cooking the food?

-  Okay, so that is the first time Cole and Starr have kissed in what - a year? I was beginning to think their sex was so bad together that they had lost their sex drives completely. They are very sexless for teenagers! 

Friday, 6/12:  "POMP AND CIRCUMSTANCE"

-  Oh my God, words can not describe how much I LOVED seeing the return of the Queen Bitch of Llanview, Dorian Lord. She was in rare form today! 

-  Dorian: "WINE COOLERS!? WINE COOLERS IN THIS HOUSE???" 

-  Doesn't Cole possess a cell phone? Why is Marty panicking so much about being summoned to court? Why doesn't she CALL her son?

-  Someone let Patricia Elliot out of the attic! Hooray! But who the hell is that weird dude that seems to be her new lover? WTH was that? 

-  Markko's parents are worse snobs than Dorian! That is definitely not what I expected!  I like it.

-  Did you hear that? Markko has a couple of sisters. I bet we'll be meeting them before too long.

-  Great writing to have Dorian run into Viki/Charlie and Clint/Nora and learn of their engagements right after being left by Ray. She is going to explode! 

-  Llanview High's graduation was so pathetic. 30 people in attendance, and 30 students!?? Why show it at all if it's going to look so unrealistic. Unless Llanview only has a couple thousand people in it, but then why would it have several newspapers and a busy downtown district (not to mention several millionaires and a string of serial killers)? Makes no sense.

-  Markko's mother is criticizing Langston's beautiful yellow dress as not being nice enough, yet her own son - the Valedictorian, no less - is wearing GYM SHOES?  What the...

-  The graduation (and Markko's speech) was so awful and cheesy. YUCK.  The way Marcie's internal dilemma framed the proceedings was the only good thing about it. 

-  I have to genuinely ask this now: Is Cole retarded? I'm sorry to use that word - I know it's politically incorrect. I have a first cousin with cerebral palsy, so I really am not ignorant on the subject. I am genuinely asking if Cole might actually have a similar condition. He turned around DURING HIS BEST FRIEND MARKKO'S SPEECH every two seconds to look for Marty. As if the presence of his mother was a make-it-or-break-it determining factor, cosmically, in his receiving a fake diploma, and was more important than paying a lick of attention to his best friend's speech. I wanted to slap his face! Cole needs some serious medication for A.D.D. and definitely should NOT be allowed to raise a child because I don't think he is right in the head. 

-   I thought Marty scored some major points for lying on the stand for John and Blair. I was surprised. 

-  Shaun's facial expressions regarding Dorian's behavior were hilarious.  I don't buy the whole Shaun/Rachel thing though.  She is leading him on, big time. 

-  How nauseating was it when Marty and John showed up to graduation and Starr shouted out, "She's here!" and all the entire ceremony came to a halt?  Ugh.

-  I don't believe at all that Todd would subpoena Marty over Tea. I think he feels he can get away with a lot more with Tea, but that he needs to be careful about pissing off Marty. So his behavior today made no sense.

-  WTF. How can Dorian not recognize Rachel? And why didn't Rachel tell her who the hell she is!?

-  Isn't it absurd how Todd of all people can subpoena people left and right and they have to come immediately to court? Yeah, right!

**MAIL REPORT**

"John is a damaged individual. Damaged with a capital 'D'.  Instead of using that, they throw it away and they have so much to work with. The character seems to have his emotional settings in Numb with little to no other emotions breaking through at all. The writers should have been using his past instead of making reference to it in a throw away manner.  His father was murdered, how does that effect him? His fiancé was also murdered, does this dictate how he acts in a relationships? Does this cause him to put up a barrier between his feelings and the other person?  How does this effect his future relationships? Is he scared to emotionally connect with someone for fear of them being murdered? Come on writers, answer these questions...Evangeline called him on his issues after being saved from the serial killer but she was sympathetic when she should have been angry. Natalie finally understood she was nothing more than a bed buddy and a punching bag and left him but her anger didn't do much to make a dent on his psyche. John is good at no strings attached but not relationships, the question is why? The writers or TPTB refuse to go in depth in a storyline that could in some way help mature the character."  - Nic

Brilliant analysis of why I think John McBain is one of the worst characters EVER to appear on a soap opera. He is everything you DON'T want in a soap opera man. He is utterly two-dimensional, and I'm sorry but that lies in the lap of the actor as well as the writers.  B-O-R-I-N-G. 

"Hi, Jeremy, just read your last column, and have to say you were SO on point re: this whole John/Marty/Todd/Blair quad. It did indeed begin very promisingly, but quickly deteriorated into its current state of malaise when TIIC decided, in their infinite idiocy, to scuttle Tarty (which was at least interesting, as even the naysayers had to admit) in favor of the “tried ‘n true” pairing of Todd-n-Blair and the sure-fire hit (only NOT!) of Jarty, which manages to be both stultifying boring and infuriating simultaneously (how, I’ll never know!). I so wish, as you stated, that the writers had taken the time to tell these stories, perhaps then, if the relationship dynamics had been developed and expanded upon properly, the aforesaid pairings might have been seen as being somewhat organic (maybe even appealing!), rather than just more slough that’s been foisted upon us by the same fine folks who are currently bringing us what has been correctly termed “the Morasco fiasco!"  - Rebecca

Yes! What Rebecca said! 

"Your column today was HOT! Thank you, thank you, thank you for your analysis of the missed opportunity with JoLair. You articulated so well everything I was thinking. I too feel cheated! For the first time, in a long while, I was looking forward to the McBain scenes because I loved how Blair kept giving him the business and called him out on his crap (although, I think she should've been much harder on him, at times). It makes me so sad what they've done to this couple. What started out so promising is now in ruins and for what? Todd/Blair take 1,237? John/Marty when John barely has a pulse and seems only mildly interested in Marty?!  Actually, perhaps McBain can be fixed with the Tad Martin treatment, i.e. shoot him in the head and change his personality - LOL!"   - Cherise

I think having John shot in the head and waking up a different person is the best idea I've heard in weeks. But sadly, I don't think the writers would do that. Even more sadly, I don't think Easton would pull it off.  If I were head writer, I would kill John off immediately. He is the worst male lead in ages.  Whose idea was it to create a romantic male lead role with a well-established soap actor and make him indifferent about love and sex? HELLO, this is a soap opera! Whether it was the writers or Easton that decided John was a pulseless robot, the end result is that even a bullet to the head wouldn't make John McBain interesting. His dumping of Blair this week was so unemotional and matter-of-fact that it actually gave me the heebie jeebies.  

"Your thoughts regarding the Blair/John relationship were solid. I think the key to maturing Blair as a character without sacrificing her essence is for her not to be passive. For some reason, soap writers have trouble writing females that aren't passive, without making them total bitches. You can be a strong, proactive female character without having an agenda or being manipulative. Blair isn't Blair because she could scheme, its her fire that makes us love her."  - nOva

Beautifully stated, and so very true!  Where is Blair's fire??? Maybe this is why I've always loved the "bitches" - because they aren't passive. But there is a HUGE difference between the "bitches" I love (Dorian, Lindsay, OldBlair, Old Gabrielle, Alex) and plain old bitches like Stacy! 

"If plans are being made to reunite Todd and Blair, then I assume that Florencia Lozano will be leaving soon. It will be a huge blow to OLTL if Florencia leaves.  TPTB should do everything they can to get her to stay!  I really think that she is a plus to the show. Todd and Tea really have promise and it would be a shame to throw this couple aside for another boring round of Todd and Blair...  Isn't the goal of soaps to leave the viewers wanting more?  This is what TnT does for me! I find myself anticipating their next scenes and disappointed when they are not on.  I cannot wait for the next installment of TnT! I am 100% invested in this couple now. I want to see TnT on my screen!"  - Susan

So do I, Susan - believe me, so do I. All I can say is, write to all of the people listed at the end of this column and let them know you do NOT want to see Todd/Blair ever again, and Todd/Tea is the best thing on the show. 

"I have meant to comment about Farah Fath's hair as she is shown in the PSA's for (pediatric) cancer on both ABC and Soapnet. I really, really like that hairdo and wished they would let her wear it on the show. And then, lo and behold!  On this week's shows she has that same hairdo (and shirt...that's OK) and I was very pleased... it gives her a whole different appearance... more mature and organized, if that makes any sense."  - Patricia

I agree, but it went away so quickly! Hopefully it will be back. 

"I will be honest and tell you I have never really been a great fan of (Jessica's) except in spurts, like when it was discovered she was molested at a child... and her and watching the tapes of it. Her going through that really was hard to watch.  She did a very realistic portrayal of the pain. This week however, with the few Tess scenes we saw (and then the Bess scenes) I do really like the character personality switch, except for when she is Jess, which usually puts me to sleep."  - Glynis

That is the problem - Jessica is boring without her alters. 

"Okay, who taught Stacy how to fake a nightmare? I mean I've done some acting in my time, school plays and stuff, but that was crap! Total crap! She lets out this phony scream and then starts yelling out of nowhere?  Shouldn't she have thrashed around? Shouldn't she have mumbled something like, "No!" or "Stop!" while pretending to be asleep?! Just one more thing to make Rex look like a total idiot because he bought it. I'm sorry, I know people like Crystal Hunt but she is possibly the worst actress I've ever seen and that includes Farah Fath."  - Dawn

Tell us how you really feel, Dawn! I must agree that the fake nightmare - like every other fake aspect of this fake storyline starring this fake biatch Stacy - was painful to behold. 

That's it for this week.  Please send your OLTL thoughts, complaints, suggestions, and desperate pleas to:

ABC Comment Line: 323-671-4583

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Thanks for reading, and don't forget to e-mail me. PLEASE include your name or an alias in case I choose to print your comments!