UPDATED 10-19-09

CRAZE

Fizzling Out  

 One Life to Live barely showed signs of life this week.

Hello, everyone. I'm not going to go on a nasty tirade this week because frankly, I'm not inspired at all by anything happening on the show. There are aspects to the show that are acceptable such as Bo/Nora/Matthew (that might be it, actually) and other things that are really painful to watch. This has been true for the past few months, but this week was especially difficult to digest. It was utterly lackadaisical in just about every way. Most of the writing fails to make much sense. While the reveal of Jared's involvement with the other stalkers (how many are there, anyway?) was somewhat engaging thanks to Melissa Archer and Jared Brotherton, something about that story is just not working. It's one of those "we are getting rid of this actor, and this is the best thing we could come up with to get rid of him" stories. It doesn't flow from an honest, character-driven place. Most striking to me is how that story (and the show in general) seems to be unfolding within a vacuum.  Have you noticed what a desolate, empty place Llanfair is these days? I realize budgets are tight, but the Jared reveal felt deflated in the absence of Viki, Charlie, and Clint. Llanfair used to be bustling with Buchanans and Lords - now it's practically as lifeless as Victor Lord's tomb. The same can be said of the Buchanan mansion and just about every other place in town. Scenes are taking place with as few actors as possible. Sometimes that's fine, but when characters are missing who really need to be there, it's distracting as well as drama-reducing. If Viki and Charlie's reactions had been part of Natalie's reveal that Jared confessed to her, I might have cared a bit more. Instead, I found myself only caring about Natalie and resenting the presences of Jessica, Brody, and John. I felt disconnected from the emotional reality of the story because... well, it's not real at all. 

Just about everything else this week felt equally fake. The best-written and performed story beat was Bo and Nora's whisking of Matthew off to London. I do look forward to finally seeing the Buchanan compound in London and Dan Gauthier's criminally brief appearance as Kevin (now merely a prop in the Matthew storyline).  And I think the prep school is a clever way to introduce Todd and Tea's daughter to the canvas - though it is difficult to wrap my mind around a teenage daughter for the couple when Tea would have only given birth less than a decade ago. But that's soaps, I suppose. We know Cole would be equally pre-pubescent if this were reality. If Cole and Danielle are teenagers, then Starr should be in her 30's by now. But I digress. This storyline is the singular enjoyable one right now.

And that's sad. Especially when you have three powerhouses like Florencia Lozano, Trevor St. John, and Kassie DePaivia playing out a triangle with such vicious energy. But what a failure it is. What a mess of regurgitated fluff. This triangle was over ten years ago. What is this - the Bold and the Beautiful? Triangles do not need to go on for decades, people. This story is such a tragedy on so many levels. First, it represents TPTB's willingness to scrap really exciting pairings like Todd/Marty and John/Blair (well, that's as "exciting" as John gets) in order to re-tell the exact same storyline they told ten years ago. Adding a secret child doesn't justify all of this mess. The more I think about it, Blair's tumble out the window kind of encapsulates the current TPTB's biggest problem: Their lack of originality. Utilizing show history is extremely important and noble, but copying it is not. The Tea/Todd/Blair triangle has damaged all three characters tremendously. Tea is now a scared little liar.  Todd has turned into an mean ass again. Blair has been a pathetic no-life for awhile now but it seems worse than ever.  The actors bring it every day, but there's only so much they can do. Tea/Todd/Blair has left me completely disinterested in all three of these once vibrant characters. Meanwhile, Marty/John could not be any worse - in fact, this week it seemed TPTB actually tried to make them less appealing on purpose in their sad quest to set up another round of Jolie. That prospect is both lazy and gravely unwise. If only John/Blair/Marty/Todd had been allowed to play out. I love Tea and especially love Lozano, but the writers didn't need to rearrange the entire canvas just to accommodate her. She has chemistry with a piece of paper. They could have put her with anyone. In fact, they could have solidified Todd/Marty and John/Blair, then thrown Tea into each of those orbits and perhaps thrown another guy into the mix as well. Wes would have been the perfect sixth member of that configuration, but alas - they got rid of him for no reason whatsoever. Harping on the past won't do me any good, I realize.... but it's all I can offer after watching a week of retreading the past. If Frank and Ron want to focus on the past, then so will I.  

One could assume they are trying to simulate past glory with the mayoral race, yet I feel Viki and Dorian's story is a complete dud - especially now that it's no longer a Viki/Dorian storyline at all. How could a head writer so supposedly invested in Robin Strasser and Dorian give her such insulting material? And yes, it is insulting in the utmost. Not because it's demeaning to gays and lesbians (the show has other gay characters for that), but because it's demeaning to Dorian Lord's intelligence.  Carlivati is reducing Dorian to a clown. She is far too crafty to proclaim she is a lesbian (and engaged to a woman she only met a week ago, no less) as a public candidate without being able to see the implications of the follow-through.  Meaning, if she wins the mayoral race, she either has to be a closeted heterosexual for the rest of her life, or come out as a liar to the people who voted for her. This storyline, more than any other Dorian story I can recall, is the most insulting and untruthful. And certainly it's insulting to gay people. Not in a way that I think warrants anger, but it absolutely warrants apathy and chagrin. I am amazed that the GPTB (that's Gay Powers That Be) would introduce two gay activist characters and proceed to depict them not only as manipulative liars, but also as immoral morons. Nick and Amelia had so much potential thanks to their appealing portrayers, yet they've been written as desperate losers so hell-bent on getting married that they have no identity or character outside of that. The message here seems horribly miscalculated. Gay activists who are otherwise likeable and interesting, have manipulated a woman in her 60's into lying to the public, and hope to then have this woman work a gay agenda when - I'm sorry - mayors cannot even grant gays the right to marry. And isn't it ironic that these two "power gays" have now asked Dorian to actually become closeted on their behalf? Would gay activists really support a woman pretending to be gay? I think not! I'm all for equal rights, but to see gay people depicted as willing to base their quest for rights on lies and tricks makes me feel confused and, frankly, repulsed. Amelia could have been Dorian's campaign manager and the gay story could have factored heavily into the mayoral race; fine. But what was supposed to be a Viki/Dorian storyline has instead been hijacked and turned into a gay storyline featuring a bunch of characters no one cares about. Instead of developing any of the gay characters first (beyond Fish's month-long journey from straight playboy to out-of-closet gay man), they've been thrust into a "gay storyline" and given more airtime than Erika Slezak. And now Nick and Kyle are going to get "married?" What have they been on - three dates?  Have they even had sex yet? I get that it's a big deal to have gay visibility on a show like this, but what good is visibility if it is laced with homophobia? The way Kyle, Nick, and Amelia are being painted is not flattering. Gay people are people first who need their own character development before being stuck in plot points - how sad that the GPTB are incapable or unwilling to go there. 

Monday, 10/12:  "THICK AS THIEVES"

-  I guess Noelle is still alive. And she works for... Todd?

-  Okay, if TPTB are going to turn Dorian and Tea into enemies, then they really need to go there. Because that could be red-hot, but they've always gotten along fine in the past. 

-  Dorian to Tea: "You are garbage." Wow. 

-  I guess Destiny and Matthew dropped out of school, because they are always hanging out at the hospital. 

-  Greg Evans has turned into the most annoying character. What a waste to turn a confident, sexy over actor into a whiny, meek over actor.

-  LOL Alert and Weirdness Alert: Jack asking Noelle if they might wake up gay someday the way Dorian did.

-  Why does Ross think Danielle is his daughter? Was he boinking Tea on the island, too? I can't remember.

Tuesday, 10/13:  "WHY BLAIR AIRED"

-  What can I say about Natalie bursting in on Marty while she was in a session?  It's literally as though the writers are trying to turn Natalie back into that horribly annoying beast she was during the Jolie years. Jared is not even gone yet, and Natalie is already turning back into Jolie Natalie. It's freaking disgusting. As soon as she's in John's orbit, she turns into a childlike idiot.   

-  John visiting Blair was good. He treats her better than any other woman. He actually kissed her hand. That's a first. 

-  I'm so awfully sick of scene after scene teasing Tea's secrets coming out. Lots of flashbacks. Lots of fits and starts of abandoned confessions. Lazy soap writing 101. 

-  Speaking of idiots, I get that Ross is into Blair, but his actions today were just ridiculous. Escaping jail, resisting arrest, getting tazed. All for a woman he's known for two weeks.  But at least we know he likes Blair.  

-  The Natalie/John/Marty triangle from hell has begun.  Shoot me now.  Did you see the way John blocked Nat from leaving Marty's office and acted like he wanted to screw her right there on the floor, right in front of Marty?   And Marty clearly saw it.  She is going to be ruined as well from this.  Mark my words.  She'll be sorry she left a nice man like her rapist for this bum. 

-  I'm surprised Marty had sex on her patients' couch. If I were Marty, and I really wanted to keep John, I'd get pregnant. Stat. Turning John into a baby daddy is the only way any woman is ever going to get his attention for more than a week, I think.

-  I totally get why Fish had to taze Ross, but getting tazed (especially twice in a row) is pretty serious. People die from that. Ross was just like, "whatever."

-  Thank goodness Todd started to soften a bit toward Tea today. I really can't stand that childish, angry Todd.

Wednesday, 10/14:  "TO THE MANNING BORN"

-  Jessica to Delphina: "I wanted to give you a piece of my mind." I so wanted Delphina to say, "Which piece?"

-  How many times is Tea going to be insulted for "not being a mother?" Since when did not being a mother qualify as a put down?

-  I was impressed with Gigi's honesty about her feelings for Schuyler.  

-  Kim and Stacy are unwatchable. Have you heard they are giving Kim her own storyline? I am despondent.

-  Okay, Ross and Elijah are definitely giving me a "brother" vibe today! And they look like brothers.

-  The Kim/Schuyler/Stacy scenes were excruciating to watch. I would like to say more, but it would involve large amounts of cruelty. All I will say this week is that I have never hated two actors or characters as much in my entire history of watching the show. They make me miss Antonio, Flash Roberts, Tico Santi, and Paige Miller. 

-  Where is Shane?

 

Thursday, 10/15:  "SAY IT AIN'T SO, BO"

-  I am shocked. As if John and Marty weren't boring enough, today TPTB clearly tried to make them even more boring and lacking. Those scenes at Rodi's were atrocious. John is already ignoring Marty completely and acting like she is an annoying mosquito - the exact same way he used to treat Natalie. She is having to pry and pick at him to even have a basic conversation, probably because he is thinking about Natalie. So now Marty is Natalie and Natalie is Evangeline. Or something like that. All I know is that this is BAD BAD BAD for us.

-  Speaking of boring couples, the Rachel/Greg scenes are so freaking sleep-inducing. 

-  The Destiny/Matt scenes on the plane were cute, but for some reason I just don't care about Destiny at the end of the day.

-  Jared's confession to Natalie was chilling and so far, the first good moment of the entire week.

-  Why would Jessica move out of Llanfair and leave the rest of her family vulnerable?  And what is she supposed to do all day while Brody is at work? That is, if Brody does in fact go to work. Not too clear on that yet.

-  Okay, this is why Natalie and Jared are/were such a great couple: Jared is confessing the craziest sh*t to Natalie, and she is just taking it in and ready to understand and support him anyway. Hello - that is love. TPTB are stupid. I know they are going to take Jared (and Natalie?) out on a positive note, but they should not be taking Jared (and Natalie???) out at all.   

-  I so want to mention names, but I won't. All I'll say is that I saw some shockingly sub-par acting today. Please at least pretend that you care. TPTB, I hope those recasting rumors are true... although frankly I think it's time to cut your losses with a few characters. Not talking about Stacey and Kim, though of course I wish for them to disappear as well. 

-  Hah! John just runs out on his lunch with his "girlfriend" Marty as soon as something about Natalie comes up. As soon as a woman wants John to feel, talk, talk about feelings, or any combination of the above, John loses interest and begins to resent her.

-  Melissa Archer is doing great work. If the rumors of her upcoming dismissal prove true, I am going to raise holy hell. True, we'd avoid Jolie, but Natalie is a core character and Archer deserves something good.

-  Who has been keeping up Shaun's goatee for a month during his coma?  It sure has been kept up nicely. 

-  Shenell Edmonds was good today while Destiny coaxed Shaun out of his coma. 

-  Why does Rachel dress so frumpily? 

-  Umm...Jared didn't know who he was working with? What the... ???

Friday, 10/16:  "FLIGHT OF THE BUCHANAN'S"

-  I'm not too sure Natalie should have told John, Jessica, and Brody about Jared's confession.

-  The Blair/Todd scenes were hideous. Belch.

-  This episode is just awful. Especially since we're now back to the criminally dull and mentally challenging Shaun/Rachel/Greg triangle.

-  Todd/Blair and Jolie - what is this, 2006? Who is writing this show - Dena Higley?

-  Shaun's mom must have given birth to Greg when she was 10. Or maybe even younger. 

-  LOL and WTF Alert: Jack loves watching his mom falling to her near-death and even posted it on YouTube!!!

-  Jared talking and shouting into the camera = lame. Give us Mitch or just don't show it.

ATTENTION TPTB:  Why one viewer has stopped watching OLTL
(Letter of the Week)

"Hi Jeremy,

I am a longtime fan and viewer of One Life To Live, as I’m sure you have gathered from my past correspondence. However, I recently stopped watching the show and it occurred to me that you might be interested in knowing why.

Generally speaking, the show has been coasting on my goodwill and loyalty for quite a while now. I came to realize that more and more I had become a fan of my idealized version of the show and not the reality of the show which was being broadcast. I began to make a distinction between my loyalty and affection toward certain actors and their roles and the stories being told. My disenchantment has much to do with the stories which are being told and even more to do with the stories which are not being told.

Specifically, I am disappointed and frankly bored by the Todd/ Blair /Tea storyline (although I have tremendous regard for each of the actors in this story). Todd and Blair together is a ship which has sailed and did not need another chapter. I found Blair’s relationship with John to be most refreshing for each character. It gave Blair a way forward and a chance to become more stable and age appropriate. Blair needed to establish a more rich relationship with her children, her aunt and her mother which could have resulted in a great story whereby the emphasis on family led her to investigate her own roots. The return and recovery of her now missing-in-action mother perfectly paved the way for this story. Instead she is simply regurgitating past story with Todd and behaving like an irrational teenager, which is very unbecoming and often painful to behold.

I am also not invested in the John / Marty relationship. The show really dropped the ball by backing off the Todd / Marty storyline, which may have been somewhat controversial but was deep and rich with classic soap elements and phenomenal acting. I would have been hanging on every word of this complex story, which the show lacked the courage and creativity to tell.

The much trumpeted gay storyline is also laughable to me. Fish has had more male / female action than nearly any other male character on the show, and yet he is written as homosexual rather than bisexual. Again, I feel that this shows a lack of courage and is an insult to my intelligence (not to mention a revisionist take on the Fish character). The show cannot expect me to emotionally invest in story when it takes liberties with what has already been addressed. 

The latest David Vickers storyline has also been a major letdown. The whole “reality show” concept smacks of gimmick and reduced a complex character (and a brilliant actor) to a simplistic cartoon version of his former self. I’ve had enough of the show squandering this character’s history and potential for the sake of unremitting wackiness. I HATE when wackiness passes as comedy on soaps. It’s cheap and embarrassing.

Speaking of “cheap and embarrassing”, the less said about the Stacy / Kim/ Rex/ Gigi / Schuyler characters the better. They are all an affront to my intelligence and an insult to my sensibilities. Why is the show doing this to its loyal fans?

Other stories which are contrived and tedious are the regrettable Dorian / gay marriage story (unrealistic and disrespectful to the character and show history); the Shaun / Rachel / other guy romantic triangle (I don’t think I have ever seen Shaun and Rachel even hold hands!!!); the Matthew in a wheelchair and budding relationship story (he’ll walk again soon enough and be stuck in scenes with a most amateur acting partner); The Vicki / Dorian mayoral race (great for the actresses to have story to play, but so divorced from any reality and show history that it hurts my head); a revisit of the John / Natalie relationship and a triangle with Marty (life is too short to watch this junk); the ruination of Jared (again, complete revisionism at the expense of a good character and actor); the Markko / Langston relationship and family drama (I just plain don’t care); and more, more, more.

I know there is story coming up with the return of Mitch and his interaction with several major characters While I am interested, I just don’t trust that the story will be told in a compelling and realistic way that will honor the show’s history. I will continue to read your column, which is infinitely more entertaining than the show itself. I may check in again in the future based on what you have to say, but for now I can no longer watch the show. For the record, I find this type of sloppy, simplistic and contrived writing to be the norm among most of the soaps today. It is the single biggest reason for the decline of this once mighty genre.

Keep up the great work on your wonderful column,

Louis

Thank you, Louis. I wanted to print this letter in its entirety because TPTB need to know that while part of the soap industry's decline is due to the internet and cable, the main reason people are tuning out is the storytelling. The storytelling itself is what's lacking. And I have to say that looking over Louis' letter, I agree with everything he says. That covers most of the entire show. It's true that Blair/Todd/Tea is a total bust, despite the immense talent of the actors involved.  Carlivati and company literally are just rehashing history. Is giving Todd and Tea a teenaged daughter really worth this tired triangle, which came at the expense of John and Blair's interesting and underplayed relationship, as well as the single best relationship story in ten years - Todd/Marty? No, I don't think so. All of the storylines right now (with the exception of Bo/Nora, I think) are dreadful and sloppy. The "going gay" of Llanview is the sloppiest story of all. Rather than play real relationships, it's all a gimmick. It's actually quite deranged. It's like gay visibility is at 100%... but there is no heart, no passion, and no realism to it. It's some of the most absurd stuff I've ever seen, and it's nearly impossible to believe that gay men are creatively running the show. Everything else Louis touches on here is spot on. While I'm looking forward to seeing Roscoe Born on my screen again, I share Louis' concern about the storyline. 

 

**MAIL REPORT**

"Jeremy, I'm so far behind in my reading, honestly, and I just read an early September analysis by you and I must say, I don't think I've ever read anything so honest and eloquent as your take on the whole Carlotta/Patricia debacle. What you wrote was spot on and as I continued to read, it wasn't so much a condemnation of the actress (because you obviously love her, as I do), as it was for the scene itself. I know who Carlotta is for God's sakes. I'm a gay 45 year old man who loves my shows. But, it might be labeled "the gayest show on TV" but let's also be honest. Carlotta would not have reacted as written."  -  David

Thank you so much for the kind words. The most mind-boggling thing about the Carlotta debacle is that a few more weeks have gone by, and Carlotta is completely M.I.A. Why would TPTB choose to give her some completely out-of-character scenes with Cristian and then drop her like a hot potato? Just last week, Dorian or someone said, "Look, Carlotta has a Viki button on." Yet, Carlotta was not shown. I guess TPTB just wanted to get rid of Mauceri, while at the same time failed to use a recast to their advantage. If they're going to completely change Carlotta overnight into a new character, it seems to me they should follow through. Those NuCarlotta scenes remain a strange anomaly for OLTL.

"I’m really liking that the gays and lesbians on the show are being allowed to be defined by so much more than their sexuality. Like you, I prefer the “bad” ones (Nick, Amelia), but I don’t see ‘em as bad---just layered!"  - Rebecca

Maybe I'm being too harsh, but so far Nick and Amelia have been defined 100% as one-dimensional agenda seekers. Both of the actors are strong, which helps and gives the characters appeal, despite the hallow writing. Fish and Kyle are boring and plain. But all four characters are being defined by their gayness rather than just happening to be gay. They are just chess pieces in a gay storyline, which will inevitably come to an end. Not what I would expect from a gay producer or a gay writer. There is no passion, no sexuality, no fire. I see gay people, but I don't see gay characters - unless you count Nigel.   

"I'm going to miss Jared. He had so much potential. If the story curves where the only reason he did any of the things he recently did was because of Mitch I'd really love that."  - Nic

I think there's a good chance of that. I know Jared has something to do with Mitch. Since I believe Jared is being killed off, my guess is that he will turn heroic at the end and Mitch will do away with him. But new rumors are wafting about suggesting Jared will fake his death and he and Natalie will then leave town together. Hope not.  

"I've been hoping for a long time that the show picks up your idea of making Brody Charlie's presumed-dead son. How interesting would that have been if they kept Jared around?"  - Tessa

That's just it. Turning Brody into Charlie's son would be wonderful, but all the more wonderful had Jared stayed on the show. 

"Just writing to let you know that I'm pretty sure the reason that Blair's landing on the pool cover saved her life is because it was covering the pool. So, basically I'm guessing the water from the pool softened the impact. It would be like if Blair had decided to jump out the window into the pool. Of course, that doesn't explain how the pool cover didn't fall off when Blair fell on it and everyone was walking on it."  - Eleanor

Yeah... still completely perplexed about that one. 

"I just read your latest column and your idea of how bringing on Charlie's unstable ex could be a great storyline with Kim Zimmer as the ex. Kim Zimmer has already been on OLTL, she played Echo. Her character had an affair with Clint breaking Clint and Viki up temporarily at the time of course. Soon after leaving OLTL Zimmer was quickly cast as Reva Shane on GL."  - Tina

"Thanks, Tina! Truthfully, I had no idea Zimmer was on OLTL in the past. Well I would say bringing her back as the character she already played would be cool, but I just like the idea of giving Charlie an unstable, bitchy ex to get up in Viki's face. 

"As far as I'm concerned, the best thing about OLTL is reading your column every week! Thanks for the wonderful entertainment!  Here's what I would miss if OLTL gets canceled: Your column!" - Diane

Okay, I'm not printing this to stroke my own ego (okay, maybe just a little).  Seriously though, TPTB need to think about how an internet column can actually upstage their show and realize that they need to add some SPICE to One Life to Live before its life to live runs out. 

"AMC is dead and the rest of the shows are on a respirator except Y&R which is dying less quickly. I don't think any returning soap stars or even movie stars can revive them. It's a new world and there are just too many alternatives. You don't have to rush home to watch "your stories". I kind of like Cris and Layla, do I have to be bothered with Terrell Tillford and his overacting ass? Nope. I can catch them on You Tube at my leisure minus commercials. Good for me, bad for the network. It is what it is." -  Jean

Just another example of how the internet is killing the soaps. Between spoilers getting out too early and giving fans (like me) forums to vent more openly and pointedly, the soap industry started to shrivel when they needed to be more bad ass than ever in their storytelling as well as in their methods of keeping fans in suspense. 

 

That's it for this week.  Please send your OLTL thoughts, complaints, suggestions, and desperate pleas to:

Robert Iger, President of Disney (ABC Parent Company)
robert.a.iger@disney.com

Anne Sweeney, President of Disney-ABC
anne.x.sweeney@abc.com

Brian Frons, ABC Daytime President
500 S. Buena Vista St.
Burbank, CA 91521-4551
Brian.Frons@abc.com

Frank Valentini (Executive Producer)
C/O One Life to Live ABC Daytime
77 West 66th Street
New York, NY 10023
frank.valentini@abc.com

Ron Carlivati (Head Writer)
C/O One Life to Live ABC Daytime
77 West 66th Street
New York, NY 10023
rcarlivati@yahoo.com

ABC Comment Line: 323-671-4583

OLTL Viewer Comment Line: 212-456-3338

ABC Daytime Feedback Line: 212-456-7777

Thanks for reading, and don't forget to e-mail me.  PLEASE include your name or an alias in case I choose to print your comments!

 

Until next time - don't forget to feel the Craze! 

Jeremy in Chicago