I can’t imagine being so cold and callous…so self-absorbed…so devoted to fiction…that you couldn’t be moved by the reality of what happened in Texas. A 19 year old who had just joined the military to follow his family’s example of service…a young female soldier who had returned from serving overseas (including in Iraq) and now pregnant with her first child…a man who had already retired once, but had rejoined the military at a lower rank so he could go back to active duty and defend the country he loved…and 10 others, all of whom left behind families, friends, and fellow soldiers. (This photo, from the memorial service, appeared in the Fort Worth Star-Telegram.) These are the people who are laying down their lives so we can sit on our butts in the safety of our homes, watching soap operas. They deserve more than a cursory mention…or to be shunted aside to avoid disrupting the regularly scheduled programs. Shame on those of you who had the gall to complain about the “inconvenience” of remembering the dead…on the day before Veterans’ Day, no less.                                   

Speaking of Veterans’ Day, was there any mention of it on Y&R? I only half listen these days, but I know Chance was in the hospital and Murphy was also on screen. Both characters have served in the military during a time of war. I would have expected some acknowledgement of that important aspect of their lives. Veterans’ Day should be more than a time for white sales and no mail delivery.

I’m sure many of you expect me to comment of Amber and Daniel’s wedding…but really, what can I say? I could focus on how many times they’ve broken up and gotten back together…hardly the history of a couple likely to be able to sustain a marriage for any length of time. They obviously haven’t learned anything, since their first instinct is to keep secrets from each other…even after everything they’ve been through. And for all their promises of honesty, Amber still has things from her days in L.A. which haven’t been aired.                                 

I could comment on the absurdity of having a wedding on a rooftop…in Wisconsin…in November. The temperature at night would have been between 30 and 40 degrees, and certainly not appropriate for a sleeveless wedding gown. How about the procurement of a wedding license after office hours? There is a waiting period of five days in Wisconsin, exclusive of the day you apply…although some county clerks will waive that for a fee.  But you can’t get a license after hours, and both parties must be present, in person, at the clerk’s office to show the various documents and IDs needed for legal purposes. It just isn’t possible for them to have been able to get the license that night for the insta-wedding.                                       

Of course there’s the utter disrespect and contempt for clergy, with Katherine getting certified off of the Internet for the occasion. Again, not exactly the choice of a couple who takes the covenant of marriage seriously.

Honestly, I find it impossible to work up any enthusiasm for this train wreck of a pairing.  It’s just a matter of time before Amber and Daniel split…again. Only this time there will be paperwork involved, since the marriage will have to be dissolved. I, as a fan, will not invest in a couple when it is clear from the outset they are doomed. It doesn’t help they are also boring…the abundant appeal of the actors is not enough to make me care.

So…the present for Lauren just mysteriously appeared at the hastily arranged wedding, with no one noticing how it got there (except an unseen neighbor.) And we can only presume the stalker just happened to have a festively wrapped rodent on hand for the occasion, since Rodents-R-Us is only open until 5:00. The only remaining question is why didn’t anyone notice the contents of the box squeaking?  Seriously, though. Lauren has been buried alive by an obsessed fan, as well as terrorized and kidnapped innumerable times by Sheila.  Lauren isn’t stupid, and neither is Michael. Given her past, they should have immediately called the police.                    

And I think I may have caught (another) rewrite of history. Amber mentioned drawings Daniel had sent to her while he was on tour with his father…but I remember the whole reason Amber slept with Professor Korbel was because she hadn’t heard from Daniel.  Phyllis had tampered with her computer and blocked e-mails…and we were supposed to believe that Amber never logged on to any other computer, never sent Daniel a note asking why he hadn’t bothered to e-mail or call, and Daniel never called her or contacted anyone else to find out what was wrong. (It was one of the many annoying, contrived breakups this couple has endured.)  **sigh**  I guess accuracy and details are things of the distant past.

Quick Shots

The square dancing term Murphy was aiming for is “alleman.” (It was shortened from allemande.) It is pronounced “A lah Man” not “Ah leh MAHND” (as Murphy said,) and the direction is said after, for example, “Alleman left.”  But it doesn’t matter. People in Wisconsin are far more likely to polka, anyway.                                            

I was very glad to see Kitty Kitty was not forgotten or sent to a shelter. Thank you to TPTB for not making the feline disappear. And I really enjoyed the scene between Paul and Phillip…not just for the cat.

What did the costumers kill to make the awful wig with which they have saddled Stacy Haiduk when she’s playing Patty?  Raggedy and ugly. Speaking of costumers, why did they leave Jill in the same outfit for days?  Everyone else changed clothes. Has the clothing budget been cut again?               

Mac and Billy have supposedly been pining for each other for years (completely disregarding her hot and heavy romance with JT, and the subsequent pregnancy and miscarriage.) It makes no sense for her to blithely toss her hard-won relationship aside to be a surrogate mother….especially after having written the character as willing to commit adultery to get Billy. Now suddenly she doesn’t value Billy enough to work things out with him. She’s all too willing to accept presents from Cane, and everyone’s new psychiatrist, Emily, has said Mac will have trouble with her emotions should she pursue the surrogacy. I think we should start a pool on when Mac will realize she has feelings for Cane. We all know it’s coming…especially with Lily sayings things like this about Mac, “She’s giving up a lot.  We need to find a way to give her something back.”  I’m sure Cane will.                          

Billy has a lot of nerve getting cranky about Esther watching Delia for a night while Chloe is with Chance.  How many nights was someone else watching his daughter while he was out bedding Sharon…and then Mac? Both while he was “committed” to Chloe.

The scenes with the newbies grind to a screeching halt every time they are on. Eden, Noah, Abby, Daisy, and Ryder are AWFUL. Worse yet, they manage to make Kevin and Michael, who normally crackle when on screen, dreary and pedestrian. And please. Stop Daisy before she speaks again. Everything about this girl is dull…her expression, her delivery, her visage…to all appearances, she’s even dull witted.          

This business with the call to the SEC started with a strange premise…Adam using someone else’s cell phone, which was left unattended in a briefcase.  I don’t know any woman…no…strike that. I don’t know any person who would leave their cell phone in their briefcase.  When it rings, there would be no way to easily get to it…in which case, what is the point of having one? In a purse? Sure. In the pocket of a suit jacket?  Absolutely. But in a briefcase? Nope.

Speaking of cell phones, I asked you readers to make some suggestions for appropriate ring tones, as the characters don’t seem to have any variety.  The responses were fantastic. The first to arrive was a lengthy list, broken down by character.

Thank you so much for giving your readers an oh-so-fun assignment in your November 9th column.  Here are my ideas for ring tones

Nick

Womanizer - Britney Spears

Don't Mean Nothing - Richard Marx (this describes his relationship with Phyllis perfectly)

Every Rose Has Its Thorn - Poison

November Rain - Guns & Roses

(Note: those last two songs were suggested because Nick obviously enjoys being depressed with Sharon.  And speaking of which...)

Sharon

Hit Me Baby One More Time - Britney Spears

I'm a Slave 4 U - Britney Spears

Oops! I Did It Again - Britney Spears

Boys - Britney Spears

Toxic - Britney Spears

Gimme More - Britney Spears

If U Seek Amy - Britney Spears

Cry Baby - Janis Joplin

Dirrty - Christina Aguliera

Come On Over (All I Want Is You) - Christina Aguliera

Cry Me a River - Justin Timberlake

Promiscuous - Nelly Furtado/Timbaland

Maneater - Nelly Furtado

It's Raining Men - Weather Girls

Infatuation - Rod Stewart

Oops (Oh My) - Tweet

Justify My Love - Madonna

Like a Virgin - Madonna

Erotica - Madonna

Fast Love - George Michael

Outside - George Michael

Phyllis

You Make Me Feel (Like a Natural Woman) - Aretha Franklin

So What - P!NK

Independent Women - Destiny's Child

Man! I Feel Like A Woman - Shania Twain

I Will Survive - Gloria Gaynor

Stronger - Britney Spears

I Do Not Hook Up - Kelly Clarkson

Don't Tell Me - Avril Lavigne

Fighter - Christina Aguliera

Extraordinary - Liz Phair

I'm Every Woman - Whitney Houston

Big Girls Don't Cry - Fergie

Fergilicious - Fergie

Try Again - Aaliyah

No Scrubs – TLC

Lily - Anything by Miley Cyrus/Hannah Montana or Jonas Brothers  (I'd add Hilary Duff and Taylor Swift, but both of them are too claasy for the likes of Silly Lily.

As for Patty, I think Gnarls Barkley's Crazy would be best.  Or how about Napoleon XIV's They're Coming to Take Me Away.  David L., Winnipeg, Manitoba, Canada

David! Thanks for putting all that effort into your list.  I especially like the Nelly Furtado song for Sharon…although the writers seem to have forgotten her behavior from this time a year ago.        

The rest of the responses were shorter:

From shimmer_girl  Sharon Collins: 

I Fall to Pieces-Patsy Cline (?) and Nikki Newman: Standby Your Man-Tammy Wynette

Rhonda sent this:

Here are some suggestion for ringtones for the Y&R characters:

Victor = Poker Face by Lady Gaga

Ashley = What A Fool Believes by Doobie Brothers

Nikki = Can't Help Lovin' That Man

Mrs. Chancellor = Money by Led Zeppelin

Jack = We Are Family by Sister Sledge

Adam = Loser by Beck 

Hope you like them!!

MariaK92 had a few suggestions:

Phyllis, "Unbreak my Heart." after all Nick has put her thru.

Phillip,'YMCA", or is that too obvious?

Chloe,"Taking a Chance on Love."

Lily,'Hair."          

Not to be outdone, BJ e-mailed me these:

How about "The Old Gray Mare" for Mrs. C. calling Jill.

Puppy Love for would be what Chloe would chose for Chance calling her phone.

There were more, but this is a great sampling of what I received. I laughed out loud thinking about Adam’s phone playing Beck. “I’m a loser, baby…so why don’t ya kill me.” Too funny!               

     Letter of the Week

Hello, Martini Kitty!  I was so thrilled to have my first and only e-mail to you published in your column. I only found about your website a few months ago. I just finished reading this week’s column, and I could not agree with you more. I work during the day and watch Y&R in the evenings after work. I have decided to read the synopsis on the web to keep up with this show because it is going from bad to worse. Since I have considerable weight to lose, I have decided that instead of watching Y&R, I will get my butt off the sofa and go for a walk with my dog in the evenings. Plus, I can always catch up with the show on the Saturday night marathon if I so choose. The only good thing I see happening is with Victor & Nikki off the show, others are getting screen time. It’s good to see Lauren & Michael, although they really have no storyline. Plus, the character of Jill Abbott is getting more face time, whereas she was reduced to maybe one hour of screen time over any given month. Even Noah and Eden are getting some face time. 

Please tell me how an educated, smart, and sophisticated woman like Ashley Abbott (who has had a child before) has not noticed that she is not lactating, not having a menstrual cycle, no sore breasts, or any other post-pregnancy symptoms?  Plus, she is the first woman I know to give birth and have her figure magically pop back without having to do one sit-up or leg lift. This is beyond preposterous to have this character be so dumb, yet she is on the phone plotting to buy Chancellor stock. Apparently, the writers are going to try and redeem Adam, and he will continue to skulk around eavesdropping.  Poor Sharon will fall in love with the man that stole her baby, and Ashley will lose her mind once the truth comes out. To save money, they will probably make these actresses go to recurring, and ship them off to the loony bin for six months.  Phyllis, who was once a strong woman, has now been reduced to a Stepford wife only interested in hanging on to her husband. The old Phyllis would have walked months ago (after running over Nick with her car). The Fab Four (Amber, Daniel, Kevin, and Janna) all need to go to recurring and stop using up valuable screen time that could be used for veteran characters who can act (think Paul and Nina). Also, what is up with Chloe’s hair in that short pony tail?  Chloe is young and gorgeous. Has the budget for hair and makeup been cut? Nina also needs to have her look updated. She has the same hairstyle from 20 years ago and dresses frumpily. Nikki is back with Victor looking at him like a dewy-eyed teenager. These characters are both way too old to act like lovesick puppies. How about a display of mature love with all its ups and downs? 

Now, everybody is on Billy’s case. Jack and Ashley disowning him is quite a stretch, considering their past histories of dirty deeds. Everybody has apparently forgiven Victor and forgot that he was the one who brought Patty to town and caused Colleen’s death. Lily is the best-looking cancer patient I have ever seen. It’s as though the producers don’t even try to make her look sick anymore. Jill Abbott would have been a much better candidate for this story because it would further explore the dynamic between her and Katherine, as well as involve the Abbott family. She would be a powerhouse with this storyline. Neil is just now having any sort of screen time with his sick daughter.  By the way, Patty is dangerously thin, as you say. I would be happy to cut 10 pounds off my frame and give them to her. Nick Newman is now the big man on campus. It would be great to see a power struggle between him and Victoria with Heather Tom as Victoria. 

The biggest problem with this show is there is no continuity. Characters come and go with the drop of a hat, yet they are never mentioned. Heather has not been on the show in months. Evidently, Detective Gil has been shown the door. Ditto Olivia. Even poor Esther is not around to answer the door at the Chancellor mansion. If budgets are the main concern, I say cut some of the cast loose and write good stories for the core families (Newmans, Abbotts, and Chancellors). Get back to the romance, drama, and intrigue that made this show great. Otherwise, before long, this show could have the same fate as Guiding Light.  It is obvious that the networks are not making soaps a high priority. It is much cheaper to produce court shows, game shows, and talk shows.  If the ship does not get back on course, soaps could completely disappear from all the networks in the next five years.  Deborah T., Dallas, TX

Deborah…you’re welcome.  Really, though, if you keep sending me such high quality missives, I may just make you a regular feature.