Headwriter: “We need to crank up the teen story for the upcoming sweeps month. Any ideas?

Writer #1: “Well, Parker and Liberty have already had sex, so we could just have them go at it again.”

Headwriter: “But that’s not new.”

Writer #1:  “How about if we have them get caught on Carly’s couch, and their parents try to break them up, and the kids run off and get married?”

Headwriter: “Didn’t we have their parents catch them once already? And aren’t they too young to get married?”

Writer #1: “Well, maybe in Illinois. But we can send them to another state.”

Headwriter: “Great idea! We have them cross a state line, find a judge who will marry them, and then let the fireworks explode.”

Writer #1: “And who cares about state marriage laws, licenses, things like that. On a soap we can do anything. Besides, research will take too long.  More Parker and Liberty onscreen will attract even more teen viewers. In fact, my only concern is our loyal adult viewers.  Will they buy this story?”

Headwriter: “The loyal viewers buy what we tell them to buy. Let’s do it.”

Okay, let’s sneak back out, I know you’ve had enough and I’m retching in disgust. Marrying off this couple would be laughable if it wasn’t so stupid.  Oakdale is close enough to Chicago that I researched the states on either side, Indiana and Iowa, and I’ll summarize what I found out. In Indiana, “If the individuals are 17 years old they must apply for the license with both parents (or the person with legal custody). They will need to sign the consent portion of the application. If they are 16 or 15 years old, they must petition the Circuit Court via a "Permission to Marry" form. The cost for filing this petition is $120.00 even if the Judge refuses to allow the couple to marry.” 

In Iowa, “A marriage license may be issued to a male and a female either or both of whom are sixteen or seventeen years of age if the parents of the underaged party or parties certify in writing that they consent to the marriage…If the parents are divorced the parent having legal custody may execute the certificate. The certificate of consent of the is approved by a judge of the district court …who shall grant approval under this subsection only if he finds the underaged party or parties capable of assuming the responsibilities of marriage and that the marriage will serve the best interest of the underaged party or parties.”

How long did it take me to find out this information? About 5 minutes. This alone invalidates the whole marriage story. Add to this the fact that the judge who married them was written as an incompetent boob who SHOULD lose his job as Jack threatened to do, and you have yet another unbelievable piece of junk flowing from the people who are posing as writers for this show. 

Do they think that teen viewers will like this story? The fact is that this time last year, ATWT was first in the 12-17 female soap viewer demographic. This was pre-Liberty. This year, ATWT is dead last in this demo. More tween/teen girls watched when Parker was buddies with Faith than when he was partnered with Liberty. This story has not attracted girls, it has repelled them. The best this story has done has been to give Jack, Janet, Carly, and Craig some good material. I cheered Jack on when he cleaned out Parker’s room and threw the little thug out of the house, although I’m wondering how and where Jack got any authority to throw him out of Carly’s residence. The scenes with these four adults were the only interesting part of the short week. 

In my own personal research, using last week’s opinion poll, 63% of viewers are sick and tired of Parker and Liberty. Voter Happiness said, “I am so over all this teenage drama. Give the viewers some stories about characters that we care about ones with some history on the show….C.G. (Executive Producer Chris Goutman) and J.P. (headwriter Jean Passanante) need to man up and just admit they are wrong in thinking that there is no audience for the over forty characters on this show. Start using the talented vets before you lose more viewers.” 

Katie posted, “I can't stand this Parkerty crap! They have no chemistry and are soooo boring it's painful to watch. I like Parker but Libertybrat needs to be shipped off far away.” Viewer Erikah added, “I wouldn't mind this storyline if Liberty and Parker really seemed to be in love - or at least had some real chemistry. Liberty never seemed to care that much about Parker until this silly bit of plot came along, and it doesn't feel in character for her to agree to marry him at this point.
And Parker has gone from angst to downright unlikable.”

There’s the bottom line for me; Parker is just unlikable now. He is so far unlikable that he’s ruined for me. The best the show could do for me with him now is to send him not to a boarding school but to a military academy with high walls, and bring him back in a few years SORASED as an adult. 

So let’s imagine a Parkety-free world. What could fill our screens?  Well, whatever happened to Bonnie and Derek?  I heard that Chauntee Schuler, who plays Bonnie, was being replaced, so maybe their story has been put on hold.  But the show needs to address that their only African-American couple needs a little more face time than what we are currently getting. I was looking forward to their story, since they both have a lot of baggage in their past. We never did get the whole story of Bonnie’s and Vienna’s feud, and Derek has a very shady background. 

What else could fill our screens? Pretty much the same things we viewers have been complaining about for ages. More real Nuke, more veterans, and could someone explain where Aaron Snyder went? Holden could at least mention his son while he’s worrying about Luke. I am hoping that the imminent returns of Damien and Rosanna will bring some good stuff to our screens. Cross your fingers that the writers don’t ruin these two like they have in the past.